In the typical business environment, the job titles of the people who work there bear at least some resemblance to what they actually do. For example, if you are in charge of managing the human resources department, your title might be “Human Resources Manager”
In some offices, however, the job titles can leave you scratching your head while wondering what they really mean. I mean, what does a “Liquidity Specialist” or “Investor Relations Advisor” actually do?
But what if you were given complete control over what your co-workers’ job titles were? What if you could be completely honest in assigning job titles that accurately describe what they actually do day in and day out?
Funny Job Titles
HERE’S WHAT A FEW OF THEM MIGHT LOOK LIKE:
1. Gossip Distributor – Talking behind your co-workers’ backs is a part of any office environment, but for this employee it’s a full-time job that utilizes all of your company’s resources – including email, phone calls and even text messaging — to make sure everybody knows everybody else’s business.
2. Water Cooler Supervisor – The water cooler is the crossroads in many offices, but this worker spends more time hanging out chatting about the newest TV shows and sports scores than they do behind their actual desk. Identifying characteristic: Frequent urination.
3. Director of Employee Distraction – There’s always one upper level manager who loves planning retreats, field trips and other team-building exercises that improve morale at the cost of decreasing productivity.
4. Vice President in Charge of Looking Out the Window – Typically, this executive is either on the brink of retirement or related to the company’s owners and rarely, if ever, required to produce results.
5. Chief Naysayer – No matter what ideas or suggestions for improvement are proposed, this person can always be counted on to explain in great detail why it won’t work.
6. Bathroom Inspector – At least if you are looking for this employee, you will always know where to find them. What is so fascinating about the inside of those stalls, anyway?
7. Invisibility Executive – This boss’s superpower is to be transparent. Their email and phone are permanently set to “Out of the Office”.
8. Other People’s Business Manager – There’s no business like other people’s business, according to this office stalwart. Fact-finding is a critical task, especially when it has nothing to do with their actual job.
9. VP of Assigning Accountability – Also known as the Delegation Coordinator, this executive can never be held accountable because they are highly skilled at passing their responsibilities down to other workers lower on the food chain.
10. Chief Credit Grabber–You can be sure to find this co-worker whenever there are pats on the back or congratulations to be handed out. The rest of the time? Good luck!
MORE FUNNY JOB TITLES
11. Personal Advisor – Every office has the one employee who can be counted on to tell everybody else how to live their lives.
12. Office Celebrations Coordinator – This employee has an uncanny ability for keeping track of everybody’s birthday, work anniversary, and every other special event … and planning the in-office celebration to celebrate it. Identifying characteristic: The closest bakery is on their speed dial.
13. Clock Watcher in Chief – Usually, their desk is strategically located so that it has both the clearest line of sight to the clock and is closest to the exit.
14. Employee Benefits Strategist – This worker knows how to manipulate every employee benefit to its fullest personal financial potential, including flex time, mileage reimbursement and vacation accrual. Identifying characteristics: They carry the employee handbook with them at all times.
15. Industrial Confusion Engineer – Whenever there is a clear and precise solution to any problem, this co-worker is ready to jump in and derail it with unrelated facts, useless misdirection, and unproductive suggestions.
16. Senior Yes Man – Anything and everything their boss says is the undisputed best way of proceeding. Identifying characteristic: Frequently promoted.
17. Competition Specialist – Never mind what’s going on at your company. This worker is obsessed with anything and everything your competitors are doing better.
18. Director of Web Surfing – The Internet provides a portal to unlimited knowledge and a connection with the global community, especially for this co-worker. Identifying characteristic: Their computer screen is always positioned so that nobody can see it.
19. Project Derailer – If this co-worker can’t get their way on a particular project, they will do everything they can to make sure anybody else’s plan doesn’t produce results either.
20. Rewards and Recognition Officer – Like an official judge at the Special Olympics, according to this executive everybody is doing a great job and deserves to be praised. Identifying characteristics: Carries the keys to the suggestion box on their keychain.
21. Professional Finger Pointer – When it comes to assigning blame, this co-worker is the Gold Medal champion. Coming up with solutions? Not so much.
22. Bean Counting Supervisor– Nothing gets past this specialist, who usually works in the accounting department. Their long-term vision doesn’t extend past the expense account in front of them.
23. Senior Office Giggler – Like a kid in a sweet shop, this co-worker can always be depended upon for a good laugh or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. Identifying characteristic: laughs often in a high-pitched way, especially with short, repeated gasps and titters.
24. Junior Brown Nose Executive – Primary responsibilities include kissing butts and pointing out the shortcomings of their co-workers to their bosses.
25. VP of Dissatisfaction – The executive who can never be happy. For them, record-breaking profits and sustained growth over multiple quarters simply means the bar has been raised even higher for next time.
Do you recognize any of these co-workers in your own office? What other unflinchingly honest job titles would you add?